Current Study
The Respect Dare
Hey! The first study we will be doing is on a book called, "The Respect Dare" by Nina Roesner. Now, a little on what made me choose this book... God tells us in Ephesians 5:33: "So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." I think the husband has the easy way out on this one...I can think of a million ways to show love...but respect?? How do I SHOW respect? Well, this is where I'm hoping the book and discussion with all of you will help answer that question! This book is set up into a 40 day study. Each day is only about 4-5 pages of reading, and it ends with a few reflection questions and your daily "respect dare." I saw this book last minute when I was checking out on Christianbook.com, and impulsively bought it since it was only $4.99. This study will be the first time I ever read it..so I hope it's good! =)
As I mentioned earlier, the book is set up into 40 days. I considered stretching it out so people wouldn't have to commit time to it EVERY DAY...but decided against it. The chapters are so short, it can't take longer than 15 minutes each day to read it. And let's be real, if we can't spend 10-15 minutes each day on this, we have our priorities mixed up! =) I realize a lot of you are super busy, so don't feel obligated to comment or discuss any of the questions...but if you can now and then, that would be GREAT!..and if you can't, that's cool, too. =)
A couple places to purchase the book if the library doesn't have it..
Family Christian Bookstores-
Christian Book - coupons for CBD
Google coupon codes for whatever store you find it at...they almost always have some sort of coupon!
I better get to ordering the book! :) Sounds awesome to me! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I'm in. So do we just come here at a time when it's convenient for us on the 14th and have a blog discussion? Like everyone will just post back and forth when they have time?
ReplyDeleteI also struggle with this subject so hopefully I will benefit too :)
Yes, I was thinking everyone would just post here whenever they have time or have thoughts. We will see how that works anyways! :)
ReplyDeleteHow does it show up if I reply here, as opposed to adding a comment down below?
DeleteHey! Today is the day we are supposed to start! A couple people ordered their books online, and they haven't received them yet...so I figured we could just do the Foreward and the "why this book was written" section today and tomorrow, and start Day 1 on Wednesday. They should hopefully have their books by then...and they technically won't be behind!! =)
ReplyDeleteSo I finally got the kids to bed and I read the foreword by Mark Gungor--who by the way has this AWESOME marriage seminar called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" on DVD...he is too funny! Anyways. A couple things he said in the foreword that stuck out to me: He said something along the lines of "Why would women sit around complaining and being miserable about their spouses? Be PROACTIVE! If you don't like your relationship, CHANGE IT. Change yourself. It will almost never work to try to change someone else...what would we do if our husbands wanted to change US? I'm thinking we wouldn't feel very motivated to do any changing. At least I wouldn't!
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that stuck out was what he said about Gideon and Peter. God believed in them BEFORE they did anything extraordinary. What would that be like in our relationships? How would our husbands react to our always believing in them and encouraging them--EVEN when they don't deserve it?? Maybe something like Peter and Gideon...
Well anyways, that's what stuck out to me! If the foreword has me thinking this much already, I can't wait for the rest of the book! =)
Many of those things hit me as well Renee. Another thing I caught was, "respect is necessary even if he has not necessarily 'earned it'" So many times I know we think, "but he just did (fill in the blank), he is being such a selfish jerk, why would I respect him now?!" We sometimes even expect them to realize what they did, and they need to somehow show that they know and/or admit it. I find that when I tell Mike what he did and how it came across to me, he usually doesn't even realize it and is dumbfounded how I came up with that conclusion. haha I wonder if we talk to them about it and ask them what they meant, maybe it would stop a lot of unnecessary conflict. If we automatically expect they meant to hurt us, do they interpret that as us not trusting them and therefore not respecting? Just a thought....what do you guys think?
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love that he mentions letting go of expectations. This has been a struggle for me. Since my dad's death, I've only been able to look at my 2 brothers marriages. I've formed expectations of Mike from those. I watched my brothers for years before meeting Mike. I saw them jump to help their wives, whereas Mike is more "Do it yourself" and I've seen them massage their wives backs too many times to count and that's something Mike hates to do. Things like that have upset me and I tend to internalize it with Mike rather than fight about it. So I hope this helps me to let some things go!
ReplyDeleteAnd a question, what if a person doesn't want to change? Or doesn't think he or she should have to change? We've argued before and I've said, okay, we can compromise. I'll change a little and you change a little. And Mike has said, yeah, but a person shouldn't have to change. Thoughts?
It is SO frustrating when the other person doesn't have the slightest intention of even trying to change...I struggle with this too. I get these attitudes where I'm like 'I'm not going to bust my butt trying to make him happy when he doesn't even try for me'...but I think that we should try (incredibly hard as it is) to concentrate on US changing. Like page xvii of the foreword says. I don't think we will ever change someone else..but we need to pray for God's guidance in our changing and hopefully by doing so, motivating THEM to change from seeing our example. This will be one of my biggest challenges. God.Help.Me. LoL!
DeleteI'm up for the challenge! :)
ReplyDeleteAlright, I won't necessarily post every day, nor do I have something particularly profound to say about the book on Day 1, but I did want to introduce myself and I hope others will do the same.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you can tell, I'm Ellen. I know Renee from being on the same high school volleyball team, so she invited me.
I almost didn't join, because I'm way busier than I would like and didn't want to commit to anything else. I'm just beginning my last semester of grad school for my Master's, I teach two sections of Freshman Speech at IPFW, and I'm homeschooling my oldest (just Kindergarten, so it's not too bad) on top of the family and church obligations that I'm sure all of us have. But Renee made the very valid point that if we can't make 10-15 minutes a day for Bible study, our priorities are kind of messed up. And I must admit, all my busy-ness has taken a toll on my relationship with God. So that's why I jumped in. Of course, I would love for my marriage to improve, but I'm really in this to deepen my relationship with God.
A few other things it might be helpful to know about me:
1)Scott and I will have been married 7 years in July. We grew up in the same church, and started writing letters and emails when I bought his car in 2004. Our relationship developed through those emails before we actually started dating, so we didn't date and weren't engaged for very long. We actually have a great marriage, but I don't always feel like I'm living up to God's design for marriage, so I'm hoping this will help us get there.
2) We have two daughters. Melanie is 5, and Kate is 2. They are a delight. As I'm sure many of you know, with the delight that is children comes a measure of stress and frustration. We have those days too.
3) This should be fun! Let's do it!
I'm on Day 3 today, which I think is where we were supposed be. It is very clear to me that I need to be spending more time with God, both in prayer and in Scripture. And not just in books about the Bible. In the actual Bible. Prayer I can do, but I get stumped when I try to begin sfudying the Bible because I don't know the best way to begin. Any suggestions for where to begin spending consistent time in the Word?
ReplyDeleteEllen, I completely agree with you. In the last few years I have spent much more time reading books about the Bible than actually reading the Bible. I've wanted to get a good system going but my inconsistent schedule made it so difficult. A few weeks ago, my husband and I started a new study in John together. We've been setting our alarm 10-15 minutes early every morning and then start the day by reading and praying together. It's been really great so far and has helped to just re-focus and start the day in the right mind set. As far as a good place to start reading, I would personally recommend 1st Corinthians. It's filled with great, practical advice and seems a little bit more relevant to our lives today.
ReplyDelete1st Corinthians is a good idea. Our pastor is actually doing a sermon series on 1st Corinthians, so it would be good to show up for church prepared! What a concept! :)
DeleteI stole your idea Brittany! Hope you don't mind... Mike and I have decided that even though we aren't together, we are still going to do some Bible reading together and discuss what we have read. Right now, we are going through Romans and there have been numerous verses that speak to us differently, what one verse says to him is different than what I got out of it. So it is great learning from each other! I hope we can keep it up!
DeleteI love that idea Katrina! It's kind of cool to have 2 different views and then discuss it. I like that you 2 are finding a way to connect and do it "together" :)
DeleteSo, this book will be a bit different for me, I am not actually married yet, but will be this year! I will be taking a different look at some of these dares. I hope to become prepared on how to respect Mike when we get married, and how to know what our relationship should be like.
ReplyDeleteThe first 3 dares all taught me something or were good reminders. The first one just taught me that I should not go into marriage expecting him to be a certain kind of person, or think he should do certain things. I need to encourage him to be the man that God wants him to be, not who I want him to be.
The 2nd is a good reminder to learn as you go along, don't repeat the past, and along with that not bringing up the past in arguments and such. The past is the past, we all make mistakes and do stupid stuff. Focus on the here and now and grow with each other toward God.
The 3rd was just a kick in the butt in general. I am not where I am supposed to be in my relationship with God. I try hard to live for God and bring Him up in conversations with people at work, but what am I doing at home to grow in Him? I remember in my church talking about the balance you need. You have to balance out alone time with God, time with other Christians, and time talking to others about Him. My alone time with God sucks, and I need to work on it! Maybe when I read my dare, I should also read some of my Bible. That is a good idea to get up early Brittany! But oh so hard... haha
So true! I definitely turned off my alarm at 7 this morning and reset it for 7:30. Perhaps adding the actual Bible reading to the Dare reading would work for me too.
DeleteLearning to let go of the past is really hard but it's so amazing when you can leave the past in the past. I'm glad the book mentions this as it's important in every relationship, yet also a challenge.
DeleteDare 3 was a good way to put things into perspective...it definitely made me realize what I'm doing ok at and what I need to work on. I'm with you guys on realizing that I have been doing more book reading than Bible reading. :-/
ReplyDeleteMike actually picked up the Bible last week and started reading it. I almost fell over from shock haha. Brittany, this was after we attended church *with you and Andrew* You know his issues with that. Seeing him reading it really inspired me to pick mine up again. I asked him how he felt after reading, and he was just his typical self, questioning what he read, so he ended up texting his dad about it. But my point is, I'm really starting to see this as something that can reconnect us. Yes, reconnect. It seems that after being with someone for so long, it's easy to lose that spark, that connection that was so present in the beginning of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, he's in the basement watching "guy" shows, and I'm upstairs with Chloe or watching "girl" shows. But Sunday mornings are my favorite. The past few weeks we've been joining Brittany and Andrew during church. They are actually there but we watch online at home. It's so cool! We LOVE the Pastor and he has really been speaking to us. I love that time together when we both are learning and then we spend awhile talking about it afterward.
This is getting long but my main point is that I can see this taking our relationship to a whole new level.
If this was Facebook, I would like that.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteLisa, I had an awesome day at work today – but this post makes my week. Picture me staring at the computer screen with a huge smile on my face right now.
DeleteAndrew and I have been praying every day for change in your, Mike and Chloe’s lives. Your post makes me want to pursue God even more. Andrew and I think that God has put a void in us that can only be filled with Him and His love. No amount of money, success, education, or personal relationships can fill this void in us, it can only be filled by our Creator who made us, and loves us not because of what we do, but because we are his. We hope you guys continue seeking Him and find this life as fulfilling as he has intended it to be for you. In complete honesty, Andrew and I would not be together if it wasn't for the common ground we share in our relationship with God. I can't imagine what our lives would be like today. I definitely agree that it can take your relationship to a whole different level.
I'm getting a kick out of picturing Mike reading his Bible...I bet you did almost fall over. Haha
So let's just suppose I got a day behind over the weekend...what do you suggest I do about that?
ReplyDeleteEllen...let's just suppose??? LoL! I got a day behind over the weekend...I was planning on just doing 2 tomorrow so I would still be on track with everyone. Eek, won't do that again! lol
ReplyDeleteI can do that. But maybe we should consider taking Sundays off. Since a lot of us probably go to church on Sundays anyway, we're probably being fed that way. And then it would give us a day to catch up if we do happen to get behind...Just a thought. Other thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI'm fine with taking Sundays off...especially since that was the day I happened to miss.... =) Is everyone else fine with that??
DeleteDare 8- Today was a good 'dare' for me. Being with your husband day in and day out makes it really easy to forget all of his positive attributes. You almost come to expect it. This was a good exercise for me--to sit back and realize that he hasn't lost any of his good qualities...I'm just less sensitive to them because I have seen them every day for the past 5+ years...so it has became nothing extraordinary anymore. Oops. Will work on that. =)
ReplyDeleteI agree. That was good!
DeleteDare 10--Good Advice
ReplyDeleteThis was a good one for me to hear. Reflecting on the part advice plays in my marriage, I realized that advice isn't problematic in terms of me giving my husband unsolicited advice, but rather in terms of me asking for advice and then not taking it or arguing against it.
My husband often welcomes input, but a lot of times we talk about things just to talk, and don't necessarily advise each other. So that's not really where the issue lies for us.
However, I tend to ask him, "what do you think" or "what would you do" and then tell him (not in so many words) why he's wrong and I'm right. Though I'm not doing it intentionally, my habit probably comes across as deeply disrespectful and denigrating.
In case it's not clear what I'm talking about, here's a case in point. I had a challenging situation with a student in class yesterday, regarding how I would grade her when she hadn't really completed the assignment she was given, but completed something similar. When I came home and explained the situation to Scott, I ended my story with, "I don't know; what would you do?" As he was explaining what he would do (basically, giving her a failing grade), I proceeded to list all the reasons that I wasn't really considering doing that: that doesn't communicate grace, she did something that met the goals I had for the original assignment, she really fears public speaking (the class that I teach) and I don't want to scare her away, etc., etc. While I was mostly wanting to hear his opinion, even though I knew I was unlikely to do what he would do in the same scenario, keeping my mouth shut and simply listening to his idea certainly would have been the more respectful option. So that's definitely an area where I could stand to improve. I'll be praying about this one, for weeks to come, I'm sure.
Wow. That was long. Sorry about that...
DeleteDare 14-
ReplyDeleteIn the questions at the end, it says to think of other women who you have noticed speak to their husbands as if they were inferior, and think about how it has impacted their relationship. When I took the time to actually sit back and think about it, and look at their relationship through new eyes, it made more sense as to why they responded like they do to each other. I didn't really like critiquing their relationship, but it helped me see how different words and actions can affect a relationship so much. I guess I'd rather learn from others mistakes than my own.. =)
One of the other things says to make a list of 8 ways to 'make your husband feel like a man and boost his self-esteem.' What did you guys come up with?
I don't know how close I got to reality, but I had:
Delete1) take their advice
2) trust them to complete tasks
3) defer to his parenting
4) actively make their goals a priority
5) pray for them
6) keep my mouth shut, especially when it comes to decision-making and nagging
7) be womanly, if ya know what I mean
8) encourage them in their work
What did you come up with, Renee?
DeleteMine were almost the same as yours Ellen!
ReplyDelete1. we all know what this one is
2. don't criticize/nag. especially in front of others
3. encourage them
4. take their advice
5. allow him to be the leader in the household
6. be appreciative/tell him what you appreciate
7. find the positive
8. give your full attention when he is talking
You said pray for them. That's a good one...didn't think of it!
DeleteOkay, two questions and one comment:
ReplyDeleteQuestion #1) What dare are we supposed to be on? I know I'm way behind, but I have no idea what it would take me to catch up. (Maybe I'm not the only one who has fallen behind?)
Question #2) Are people still reading this? I observe that none of us have really posted in awhile, so I question whether anyone is actually using this.
Comment) Perhaps creating a private Facebook group where we could post would better fit our group than posting on a blog. Since we were all invited via Facebook, that leads me to believe that we all spend more time on Facebook than on Blogger, so perhaps having others' posts show up in our News Feed would serve a reminder to spend our daily devotional time, and to share our thoughts on the book. I could be wrong, but it's just a thought. Comments?
haha...today is dare 30 I believe. I got a little behind too... And yes, Facebook would be WAY better. We were even going to do it that in the first place, and then switched at the last minute. But.....yeah.....I'm wondering who is still reading this too? Is everyone behind?
ReplyDeleteYes, I am severely behind! So sorry! I underestimated how demanding my school work was going to be this semester on top of working. I've just been doing my morning devotionals and haven't spent any time on this book. :( Once April is over I'll be a MUCH better Bible study buddy. haha
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree that moving this to Facebook would be a tremendous help. Getting notifications would really help keep me on track.